Great American Regalia Gala

Article by Clay Roper

Photographs by Anonymous

Art Direction and fashion design by Liz and Beth

---

You're small! You're small!

On March 4, French senator and former head of Doctors Without Borders, Claude Malhuret, officially recognized the new All-American royalty that has risen to power, “Washington has become the court of Nero,” Malhuret said, appropriately invoking one of Roman civilization’s most dignified and prestigious leaders to describe the current U.S. Administration. “With a fiery emperor, submissive courtiers, and a ketamine-fueled jester in charge of purging the civil service.”

At long last, the newly minted American gentry has been acknowledged by our European cousins. And thus—though no one asked us, and indeed, begged us not to do so—we here at Slatternly have taken on the illustrious burden of designing the new American Royalty Regalia.

For the illustrious POTUS, we have selected a bold color palette of black and, of course, gold. Note the heavy use of shiny buttons and dangling bits. It turns out that the only thing you need to turn pretty rhinestones and glitter into hypermasculine symbols of power is a fully-armed nuclear arsenal. The coat is made from an upcycled preacher’s jacket, honoring the current administration’s support from the desiccated husk of the evangelical right.

For the Vice President, we settled on a comparatively less ostentatious palette of green and silver, so as not to overshadow the glory of the one sitting upon the White Throne of the White House. However, considering the inferiority complex this position engenders, we added a royal blue cape just to make them feel “special”